


A Crow's Conflicted Heart

by Raven_Rissa95



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Developing Relationship, F/M, Falling In Love, Feelings Realization, Fluff and Angst, Internal Conflict, POV Zevran Arainai, Relationship Discussions, Sweet Zevran Arainai, Zevran Arainai Flirts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:01:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26266168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raven_Rissa95/pseuds/Raven_Rissa95
Summary: Zevran is an Antivan Crow, a heartless assassin…or is he? After spending several months in the company of a certain Grey Warden, Zevran is beginning to feel things he’s never felt before, and it’s terrifying. Will he follow through on these feelings, or push them down and ignore them?
Relationships: Zevran Arainai/Female Tabris, Zevran Arainai/Female Warden, Zevran Arainai/Tabris
Kudos: 20





	A Crow's Conflicted Heart

Zevran lay on his back, staring up at the cloth tent’s roof, blocking his view of the night sky, no doubt littered with twinkling stars by now at this late hour. In his arms, snuggled up against his bare chest, was Kallian, fast asleep, her breathing soft and soothing. Red hair sprawled over the pillow they shared, one hand resting on his chest. That was how they usually slept, curled up in each other’s embrace, but tonight, Zevran couldn’t sleep. His mind was wide awake, thoughts buzzing through his mind like flies zooming around old food left out to go mouldy.

He looked down at Kallian with a smile. She looked so peaceful when she slept, the hardships of the day melting away. The bare skin of her torso was on show, soft beneath his fingertips, and her pointy ears peaked out between her locks of hair. She was a beautiful sight that he was privileged to see. His heart fluttered, which wasn’t unusual whenever he looked at her, but this time it was uncomfortable. His palms became clammy, his breathing ragged, and tingles zoomed up and down his body. Craving the fresh open air, the elf slid his way out of Kallian’s embrace, pulled on a pair of trousers to cover his modesty, and climbed out of the tent.

Zevran’s breathing slowed as he took a seat beside the crackling fire in the centre of camp. Luckily, no one was awake at this late hour of the night. Alistair, Oghren, Leliana, Sten, Wynne, and Morrigan were all asleep in their separate tents, and Shale, the golem, stood watch at the camp’s entrance like a guard dog, their concentration on the world outside the camp rather than within, allowing Zevran some privacy to control himself. His hands trembled as he combed his fingers through his shoulder-length blond hair, scraping it back from his face. He shuddered against the cold night air, regretting not slipping on a shirt before he came outside. The tips of pointy ears twitched from the cold too. He rubbed his arms with his hands, his breath a wisp of white as it escaped his lips. Once he had gotten over the initial shock of the cold, however, the air felt soothing against his clammy skin.

It was as though invisible walls were closing in on him, about to crush him. Anxiety rushed through him like ice in his veins, his mind a busy road of thoughts and feelings that threatened to overwhelm him, yet what he longed for the most was to go back inside the tent and hold Kallian again. _Why do I feel this way?_ he wondered. _No partner has ever made me feel this way._

Zevran had not slept in his own tent properly for the past couple of months. Kallian had taken up his offer to help her ‘blow off some steam’ together one day at camp, and he had shared her bedroll every night since. It was fun and playful, and both parties got something out of it. Kallian could let someone take care of her for once. Zevran worshipped her, made her feel things she had never felt before. She would tremble and moan until her body relaxed in his arms at the end of the night, the stress of being one of the last Grey Wardens in Ferelden to defend the world from the Blight disappearing beneath his touch. Zevran, on the other hand, got to see a side to her that no one else did, and had access to a body that made his own shake with desire. She had even pleased _him_ on occasion, without asking for anything in return. In softer moments, Kallian would hold him against her chest as they cuddled beneath the sheets, her slender fingers running through his hair, calming him. It was a tender feeling he had not experienced before. The two of them shared many intimate moments in the privacy of Kallian’s tent, away from the rest of their party, and they both slept soundly together, wrapped up in each other’s arms.

It had been simple at first. _Meaningless fun_ , they had both agreed. Something to take their minds off the current situation. But Zevran was beginning to worry that this was no longer meaningless. His heart would ache whenever she left him behind at camp to complete a quest with others, and it would clench at the sight of any new wounds on her body after fights with darkspawn or Loghain’s soldiers. He craved her touch at night, unable to sleep when he actually slept in his own tent every once in a while, when they needed a short break from their antics. His eyes were always pinned on her as she walked, watching her body saunter in front of him teasingly. But it was not only her body that he adored. It was her mind too. She was intelligent, always coming up with witty responses to his flirting that occasionally left him as flustered as a human schoolboy—not that he showed it. She had listened to his stories about his past with the crows and his childhood with genuinely intrigued eyes. Even after learning about how he had grown up in a whore house, or that he had been with more partners that he could remember, both men and women, she had not judged him for it. It did not matter to her that he was an assassin that had once tried to kill her under Loghain’s orders. She had forgiven him and given her trust—not something she gave lightly, given the circumstances.

_What is wrong with me?_ With his head in his hands, his mind raced. _Why do I feel this way about her? We’re just having fun, for Andraste’s sake. There are no strings attached…right?_

A warm and gentle voice brought him out of his thoughts. “I’m a little surprised to see you out here, Zevran. I thought you would be with Kallian, as you are most nights.” Wynne, a shawl pulled around her shoulders to shield her from the chilly night air, took a seat beside him on the grass. “Something on your mind?” Her hair was loose from her usual ponytail, falling around her shoulders.

“Why, _you_ , of course, my dear Wynne. You are _always_ on my mind,” he teased as he usually did with his thick Antivan accent, although his heart was not in it.

Wynne noticed, tilting her head to the side curiously. “Is something the matter? You look rather peaky.”

“Ah, nothing to worry about, my dear,” he said, brushing her off. “I am simply not tired.”

Wynne snorted. “After what you got up to tonight, I doubt that is the case,” she dryly. “We could hear you two even with your tent so far away. Leliana had to drown you out with her singing.”

“Does our noise affect you so? Would you care to join? I would not say no…”

The old mage shook her head at him. “Be serious, Zevran. I know it’s difficult for you, but I only wish to help. You look troubled, child. Talk to me.”

Her kind words weakened his façade. “My dear Wynne… I…” He sighed, putting his head in his hands again, fingers tangling in his hair. “I have no clue what is wrong with me. I feel things I have never felt before. Feelings I am not sure I am comfortable with.”

“This is about Kallian, I presume?”

Zevran nodded. “You know of our little arrangement. It is a bit of fun, that is all. Simple pleasure that we both can enjoy. But this…I feel…strange. There is a longing in my chest. A feeling of…of…”

“Love.”

The elf spluttered, “W-What?”

Wynne chuckled at him. “Tell me more about how you feel. More specifically about her.”

“Well…I have been with multiple people in my life, but I have never felt this way before about anyone. I do not just feel pleasure when I lay with Kallian. I feel…warmth, happiness. A closeness that goes beyond the physical realm. When I am not with her, I long for her. I cannot even imagine this world without her beauty and light. The thought makes me…sad. I have never felt sad about a person’s possible death before, especially since I am normally the one that causes it.”

Wynne smiled at him. “That is love, dear.”

He sat back onto his hands, eyes watching the dancing flames in front of them, radiating a gentle heat onto his skin. “Everything I feel for her goes against what I was taught with the Crows. I was supposed to be incapable of feeling love. I thought my life would consist of shallow encounters in between contracts. Not…not this.”

Wynne placed a withered hand on his bare, tanned shoulder. “We cannot help how we feel, nor who we feel for. At first, I thought your relationship with Kallian was a ridiculous distraction from her Grey Warden duty, but now I see that you genuinely care for her.”

Zevran frowned. “You see it?”

“At my age, you can spot the signs. I have seen the way you look at her when she walks ahead of you. You cannot take your eyes off her when she speaks, nor can you be away from her for more than a few hours at most. In battle, I notice you spend a lot of time fighting at her side, putting her life ahead of yours. That is not what a selfish Antivan Crow that does not care for anyone would do, is it?”

Zevran shrugged. “I suppose not.”

Wynne’s hand glowed a gentle blue as she released him. “These feelings of yours concern you?” she asked, a warmth spreading through him. He looked down at his torso to see minor cuts and bruises he had obtained from a recent spar with darkspawn begin to fade.

He nodded.

“I understand,” she said. “It’s not easy to feel something that goes against everything you have ever known. But do they make you happy? Do they hinder your life, or improve it? Love is not something one feels every day, Zevran. You should be privileged that you are able to experience it. For it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.”

“That is also what I am afraid of,” he revealed. “The ‘lost’ part. I am reluctant to accept these feelings when I do not know if they are reciprocated. Does she feel as I do? I cannot tell. Is she able to love someone like me?”

“You will never know unless you ask.” Wynne rose. “Have a think on it, dear. Get some sleep and mull it over. I am sure it will become clear soon enough.” She gave him a little wave before retreating back to her tent.

Zevran stayed outside for a few minutes more, soaking up the sounds of the night around him. Scurrying animals, the rustle of tree leaves in the wind, the loud snoring of Alistair in his tent nearby. _You would think a pig stayed in there._ He took one last deep breath before returning to Kallian’s tent.

She was still asleep as he slipped back inside, sliding off his trousers to join her beneath the blankets, but her face was no longer peaceful, as it had been when he left. The blanket was bunched up in her fist as she laid on her side, her face scrunched uncomfortably, almost pressing into the pillow. It was not an unusual sight. Her sleep was often plagued with nightmares. Zevran snuggled up beside her, pulling her into his arms again, soaking up her warmth. Her body tense and taut, she moved closer to him, her arms winding around his waist with her head on his chest. He held her close, and kissed the top of her head.

Slowly, she calmed, her body relaxing. Her hand found its way up to his chest again, resting above his heart. “T-Thank you,” she whispered.

Zevran gave her a squeeze. “Anything for you, mi amor.” He looked down at her with loving eyes. _How could I have ever considered killing this beautiful creature before me?_ _If Loghain had been honest with me, that I would be taking on a contract to kill a brave and noble woman such as her, I am not sure I would’ve been able to accept it._

He paused, noticing something he had not realised before. Kallian was vulnerable before him, allowing Zevran to see the fear in her face from her nightmare, unable to control the trembles of her body from what had flashed before her eyes. _She is the strongest woman I know. She never shows fear, even when looking danger in the face._ He had seduced many people before, saw their weaknesses and exploited them, but this was not weakness. It was vulnerability. Openness. Confidence in him, enough to allow him to see her this way. It was one thing to give him permission to see that beautiful body of hers, but to see this soft, vulnerable side…it was a gift.

 _If this woman can face such horrors in her dreams, especially when her waking hours are not much different, I can tell her how I feel._ He placed a tender kiss on her lips before he laid down for some sleep of his own, for the morning would come before he knew it.

_Be brave, Zevran Arainai._


End file.
